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Written by Heidi O’Loughlin & Rose Matafeo
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 16:42 |
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Hullo, Heidi and Rose here.
In anticipation of the cinematic release of 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince', we were asked by the wonderful people at CDM to write an article on WANDS. As the leading specialists on Harry Potter continuity inaccuracies in the Eastern North Shore suburbs... (in book 2 Moaning Myrtle lives in a U-bend but in book 4 she lives in an S-bend... What’s up with that?!), we felt that we were a little over-qualified for the job. However, for some reason... all of our many, many friends, have been waaaay too busy to hang out with us this week... and our mums said ‘no’ too. So! We had enough spare time on our hands to do it anyway.
The most important thing you should know, is that wands are the most treasured possession of any wizard, witch or stage magician. The HP series goes into great depths about many of the characters’ wands: from Harry’s 11 inch Holly with phoenix feather-core to Hagrid’s somewhat busted wand disguised in an umbrella. However, little is known about the interesting wands of some of the lesser-known wizards and witches. So here we present to you, a short guide to four wands you won’t have read about... |
DEAN THOMAS’S WAND
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Dean Thomas – a character quite seriously described as 'a Black boy even taller than Ron' (not racist) – is one often quite literally overshadowed by the enormous size of his best friend Seamus Finnigan's jaw... and the way in which his rich, chocolatey skin colour causes him to blend into the background of many scenes. (Again, not racist, simply stating facts. My TV is set to a very high contrast which does no favours for Dean's amount of on-screen time.) Dean not only successfully fills the racial quotient of the Harry Potter books, he also keeps Hogwarts real. The moment Dean break-danced his way into Ollivander's: Makers of Fine Wands, boombox on one shoulder and his 'ho' on the other, Mr Ollivander knew at once which wand he was to sell Mr. Thomas.
The wand: Oak, 12” with a single braid from the head of Coolio.
Dean's Patronus: Jesse Jackson.
Who has the brother wand? Rita Skeeter. |
Imagine the hilarity...
that would ensue if Rowling ever wrote a sitcom spin-off with these two characters!
It'd be called 'Ebony and Ivory' and Dean's catchphrase every week would be;
'That white girl got rhythm!'
It'd be exactly like Miami Vice,
only even more magical. |
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CEDRIC DIGGORY’S WAND
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While many know Cedric Diggory as the role which put greasy-haired hunk Robert Pattinson on the 'HOTTIE ALERT' radar in Girlfriend magazine, we loyal fans will forever remember him as the dodgy Hufflepuffian who suggested rather creepily that Harry take a steamy bath in the prefects bathroom. Homoeroticism aside, it seems the world has gone mad over Pattinson. However, fame has not found the young star for his charming, boy next door depiction of Diggory. Instead, his portrayal of semi-transparent vampire hearthrob Edward Cullen has garnered the attention of 14-year-old girls the world over... and with newfound fame, comes a brand new wand. A Diggorullen wand, if you will.
The wand: 12¼" Ash wood, with the hair of Lynn; a creepy 'Twilight' fan from Ontario, which gives Cedric the magical powers to write totally awesome fan fictions that no-one will ever read.
Cedric's Patronus: His father. He doesn't do much to help Cedric when he needs it. All he does is scream 'THAT'S MY BOOOOOY'. (If you got that joke, you deserve some sort of Harry Potter themed medal.)
Who has the brother wand? Kristen Stewart. |
Let's hope she uses it to magic up some talent.
Yeah,
we said it. |
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CHO CHANG’S WAND
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Your earliest memories of Cho Chang may be as the sassy Ravenclaw seeker with nice hair, but a totally antiquated Comet Two-Sixty. Or, you may remember her as the girlfriend of Hufflepuff hunk-spunk Cedric Diggory (see above). Yes, at first Cho seemed like quite a “with it” chick – smart AND pretty – but it turned out she was a bit of a dick. Cho started dating Harry Potter in his fifth year at Hogwarts (her sixth year, cougar!) after Cedric was murdered, but boy, did she bloody go on about it! She even cried whilst getting her mac on with Harry. Worst of all, Dumbledore’s Army was betrayed by Cho’s friend, or if you follow the films, Cho herself! It was certainly an extensive process for Mr Ollivander to find that skank-ass fussy biatch an appropriate wand, but eventually he discovered the perfect match...
Wand: 6½” dick (flaccid).
Cho’s Patronus: Judas.
Who has the brother wand? Percy Weasley. |
Although
his wand is more of a “cock”
than a “dick”. |
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REGULUS BLACK’S WAND
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Pureblood enthusiast and brother to Sirius Black, little is known about the former member of the Death Eaters, who was supposedly killed by Lord Voldemort himself. However, within the inner magic circles; Regulus was often identified by his unconventional relationship with the house-elf, Kreacher. (An investigation by the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, was exonerated following lack of evidence of unlawful behaviour.) Yet, to this day it is speculated that the house-elf had unorthodox liaisons with both Regulus and his mother. An ancient wand was required for a member of such an ancient family as the Blacks. Fortunately the Ollivander’s have been making wands since 382 B.C. and were able to provide him with this...
Wand: 11¾” willow, Hippogriff talon.
Regulus’s Patronus: Oskar Schindler. Former member of the Nazi party. Wasn’t much help to Regulus, as the only defence he provided was inoperative weaponry.
Who has the brother wand? Cilla Black. |
Regulus’ second cousin and host of popular ’90s Muggle game show, 'The Moment of Truth'.
Surprisingly, Cilla rarely needs to disguise her true identity in the Muggle world, as Muggles seem to think that when people call her a “witch” it is merely a euphemism for her unsightly appearance. |
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COUP DE MAIN is proud to present guest-writers Heidi & Rose's encore performance of their critically acclaimed Comedy Festival show; THE BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS OF COMEDY. Click HERE for more info...
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