| The Jonas Bros: Where To From Here? |
| Written by Brendon Green |
| Wednesday, 17 November 2010 17:02 |
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If there’s one thing I know about, it’s the future. And as much as it pains me to say it, the JONAS BROTHERS don’t have one. At least they don’t have one if they continue on the way they are now. Their popularity is waning. Nobody watches 'Jonas L.A.' and they are only a few Camp Rock appearances away from becoming the creepy old counsellors who everybody pities because they are grasping on to their glory days. Sorry Jonas, nobody cares about 2004’s Final Jam. It’s like talking to a cute girl in a bar about your Primary School talent quest that happened 15 years ago. It’s not cool. Trust me. So in the spirit of human kindness, I have come up with some ideas about what the Jonas brothers need to do - and do quickly - if they are to survive in the entertainment business. NICK JONAS Nick, you’re the pretty one. You’re also the one that has Diabetes. Use this to your advantage. The key here is to keep aiming young. Your current demographic is pre-teens to early teens, that’s your niche, that’s your gluten-free Bread and low-salt Butter. And do you know what the biggest problem facing children is? It’s not a lack of cookie-cutter sickly sweet sugar pop music, that’s for damn sure. It’s fat kids. There’s too many of them, and there’s only so much playground space to go around. You need to break away from the group and focus on becoming a Nutrition Avenger. With your pretty face you could become the poster boy for Broccoli. Your head is already kind of shaped like one, so the photoshopping will be easy.  Your popularity will soar, because I know for a fact that kids absolutely love people who tell them they can’t eat cake. JOE JONAS Joe, for some reason you are always being positioned as the leading man of the group - The ‘movie star’. I can’t for the life of me understand why. I don’t mean that as an offence, I just see your talent as more of a supporting type. You need to leave the group, and music altogether, and start taking some gritty, adult-orientated, character acting roles. You need to become the Steve Buscemi of The Jonas Bros.  Try and get a couple of villain roles, or maybe try being a gay soldier who lost a leg but still manages to run a marathon in honour of his dead dog, Bud. Get some awards and get some respect. Basically you need to be the anti-Efron. KEVIN JONAS Kevin, you’re my favourite. You don’t need to change your act at all. You’re a funny guy, keep it up. But now that your brothers have left you, you may find it difficult to keep in the spotlight. So here’s my idea: change your name. I would suggest becoming Kevin Jonah Hill.  That way you can get recognition with the whole Apatow gang thing that everybody loves. Just pretend to be part of it, and eventually you will be accepted. (FYI that’s how Ashton Kutcher keeps getting work, it’s not because he’s talented). Note: I have already tried this suggestion before, but Miley Cyrus did not respond favourably to my e-mail suggesting she become Miley Cyprus-Hill. Kevin, there’s no shame in jumping on the bandwagon of something popular just to be noticed. Why do you think I’m writing an article about the Jonas Brothers? So there you go. I truly believe that the Jonas Bros can continue on being successful well into the future. They have the looks, they have the ‘talent’, and they have the backing of a giant multinational corporate behemoth that tells the entire world just what the hell it is they will like in popular culture. I think they’ll be fine. |
