| Blogalicious... |
| Written by Vaughan Smith |
| Monday, 25 May 2009 00:24 |
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It all started with Eggs Blogadict... with delicious hollandaise... I spent the weekend in the delightfully nature-intensive South Island. During which, I saw a Fantail flying about when I was enjoying a Canterbury Breakfast. I think it wanted some of my Eggs Benedict, but that would be like me... eating Chimpanzee Benedict. Silly Fantail, or Piwakawaka. I thought... “Luckily, I don’t believe in superstition... As the Piwakawaka is a sign of danger and certain death, in Maori Folklore." But I got to thinking about that and decided that Maori, need a more fearful Gabrielle. But then again, it was the Fantail that caused Maui to get squashed between the legs of Hinenuitepo. So the story goes... The Fantail laughed, as Maui turned into a worm and crawled between the giant crazy bitch's legs. Hahaha. I’d laugh too. Imagine a dude that has already fished up a country and slowed the sun with flax ropes, saying “you gotta come help me destroy this huuuuuuge womanly mountain, then we can all live forever”. The Fantail goes, “I was going to just flutter about, bring death and pestilence and look kind of stupid for the day, but yeah sweet as”. So you, Maui and a few other birds, low-key ones like the Grey Heron (how’d that get on the $2 coin?) and the Waxeye, head off to kill a giant Mountain-Woman-thing with a machete and a sharp stick. Then when you get there, Maui wants to crawl into her faffy! WHAT? “Oh, I’m going to kill her from the inside out.” If I were the Fantail I would have said... “Hold on, that seems a bit weird. Why not, just crawl in her mouth and cause a whole caseload of medical issues for her? She’ll choke on you. You can stab her lungs and heart much quicker.” “Hey bird, when I slowed the sun with flax ropes people said... 'Flax, that won’t work.' But, it did... Also, when I used my Grandmothers jawbone as a fishing hook people said... 'That’s a bit morbid, how’d you get that off her skull?' So trust me, this will be best.” “Are you sure? Where do you get your info?” “Wikipedia had an article on it.” “Alright, well I suppose you DID fish up the North Island and you did slow down the Sun with flax ropes... Which I didn’t see with my own eyes, but you keep telling us you did... So sure! Hit it up the guts. Get into that Va-thingy. I can never bring myself to say that word...” “What word? Vag-“ “Uh uh, yeah that one... Now get going.” “Thanks Fantail. Now don’t laugh, when I turn into a worm to get up there.” “WAIT... WHAT? This is just going a bit far. She’s a big old gal. Just walk up her thingy.” “Best if I go as a worm I reckon.” “Are you sure you even want her dead? Sounds like we’ve come here to watch you fulfil some weird kinky stuff you are into.” “Who told you that? Did Morepork tell you that? Morepork told you! Didn’t he?!! “No, he didn’t say a thing. Well if you are going to do this, hurry up! I want to get home in time for Shortland Street. Kristy and Lionel are getting married.” (Remember this was a long time ago, so they were watching old Shortland Street episodes) “Are they? I didn’t see that one coming.” “No-one did. A humble nerdy café guy, marrying a hot receptionist... Who would have thought?” “Not me.” “Alright. Get in there! Quit mucking around.” “Sweet. I’m just going to go over here and turn into a worm.” So Maui disappears behind a rock, says a magic spell and emerges as a worm. Like the one that hung out with Oscar the Grouch in the garbage tin on Sesame Street. Piwakawaka loses it. “What are you doing? Why are you a small worm? C’mon mate, why didn’t you go as a snake?” “A what?” “A snake.” “I don’t think I know what you are talking about.” “They are like a worm, but huge. Quite a formidable foe.” “Oh, we don’t have them here though... Do we?” “You have a point. We don’t. Quite glad about that actually... BUT A WORM?” “Yeah, it’s all I had. I was thinking a Kauri Snail, but the path is more worm-friendly.” “How do you even know that? Have you been up there before?” “Maybe once?” “WHAT? Why didn’t you kill her then?” “Because I was just going for a look.” “Going for a look? A look? Oooohhh Maui... I am worried about you.” “Alright then, I’m going up.” “Alright bro, good luck.” As Maui started to slither inside the thighs of Hinenuitepo... Fantail a.k.a. Piwakawaka, remembered that episode of 'Family Guy' where Peter Griffin first fought the Giant Chicken for five minutes... and he started to laugh. He laughed a lot. Maui turned around and said, “Sssssshhhh”. But Fantail couldn’t hear him over his raucous laughter, recalling the battle between the Giant Chicken that gave a bad coupon and Peter Griffin, an average Joe from a fictitious town called Quahog. It was then, that Hinenuitepo awoke from her slumber, felt a tickly worm on her thigh and slammed her legs shut. Squashing Maui and snapping Fantail out of his hypnotic laughter. Fantail thought to himself, “if anyone asks? It wasn’t me.” Fantail took off home, to see if he could find Season 3 of 'Family Guy' anywhere on DVD. He knew he had lent it to someone... But he just couldn’t recall whom... Don’t you hate that? Then he remembered it was Maui and Maui had given it back all scratched-up, unable to be read by Fantail’s expensive DVD player, but still playing fine on one of those cheap dealios from the Warehouse. Doesn’t that rip ya? They will play anything!!! $70 well spent. So Fantail retired happy, knowing that Maui had paid the ultimate price for returning his DVD’s in less that perfect condition... and that is why whenever you see a Fantail, remember!... If your mate lends you a DVD: - don’t wreck it. - scratch it. - or lose it. ...Or a giant mountainly woman that is grumpy because of her inability to find a man, that will love her regardless of her overbearing size... will crush you between her power thighs. |
