| Robots... |
| Written by Vaughan Smith |
| Monday, 31 August 2009 08:39 |
By definition, a roboto is a virtual or mechanical artificial agent. In practice; it is usually an electro-mechanical machine, which is guided by computer or electronic programming, and is thus able to do tasks on its own.  To date, I’m largely disappointed with the robot population of earth. They might assemble things in a production line, let themselves be controlled into detonating bombs and vacuum a room before returning to their charging point, but they are years behind where they should be... according to 'The Jetsons', 'Battlestar Galactica', 'Terminator' and 'Robocop'. The term robot comes from the Czech word robota, that means drudgery or hard work. It was coined in 1920 by a Czech playwright who turned to his artist brother for a name for the characters in his play that were mechanical workers. Did you know that? Well you do now. Don’t forget it. It’s a fun party fact and it’s better than when someone pulls out the lame; “Did you know pigs orgasm for 30 minutes?” Tell them they are lame and a pigs orgasm is largely different from ours and it’s not yet proven that 30 minutes of any sort of pleasurable emotion, is coupled with the half hour “orgasm”. If we go back to the start of it all, Robots were invented by Abū al-'Iz Ibn Ismā'īl ibn al-Razāz al-Jazarī. He was an Islamic mathematician with a penchant for tinkering and inventory. He invented a musical robot band and a drink-serving waitress, who was like the robot ones they use at Lonestar now. Minus the attitude. In 1739, the next robot of notoriety was produced; a certain “Digesting Duck”. It was a robotic duck that ate grain and then excreted faeces. That’s amazing you might be thinking, but this Duck Robot simply had pre-packed faeces (first time I‘ve ever used that phrase, hopefully not the last), and would drop those after the grain was put into it’s mouth. It also had the ability to walk around and make semi duck-like noises. Robots were big in the 50s and 60s. Mass hysteria about Robot invaders graced many a movie poster of the time. It was in the 1950s that Isaac Asimov’s 'I, Robot' was first published. It later became a movie in where a poor kid from Philadelphia who played a lot of after-school basketball got picked on and then moved to L.A. with his rich family who had a robot butler whom he didn’t trust and in the end, he triumphs over adversity... destroys the robots, the aliens, the drug-runner Cubans and a giant spider-robot-thing in the wild wild West, before becoming an organ donor and giving a bartender his eyes. Quite a good film. When I was a kid in the 1980s, I had a robot called Mike the Martian Robot. I’m still waiting for the Mars Rover to start constructing an army of robots hell bent on the destruction of Earth. I’ve got about 50 years left in me I figure, I hope it happens before then. Mike the Martian Robot (stupid name for a Martian, Mike? Short for Michael, of course. Martians use human names, that only makes sense), would say “I am Mike the Martian”. Then proceed to puff smoke from his robot mouth, but you had to put sewing machine oil in the back of his head to get the most from him. Robots were massive on TV when I was growing up too. 'The Jetsons' had Rosie the Robot maid. She was alright, often clumsy, but she never wanted to end the human race like a string of other robotos, namely Arnold Schwarzenegger, the first robot governor of California. When he first ran for power in 1984 it was a PR catastrophe. He wanted to kill the mother of his future opposition and didn’t value any human life that got in the way. When he ran again in 1991, he bet a liquid robot after a drawn out election battle and became first, fully mechanised Governor of California. Fast forward to now... and the Japanese are the leaders in all things robotic. This year they released a “Smart Robot” that could kick a ball. I’m sorry what? You don’t have to be smart to kick a ball. Rugby players are living proof of that and they can catch one too. But just as I was researching more fronts to attack this “smart robot” on, I discovered a robot that can play table tennis. Now I’m scared. The skills required for table tennis could easily be adapted into holding weapons... and people’s heads look like Ping Pong balls sometimes. Well, mine does anyway. This is worrying. Perhaps this is the way the human race will meet its 2012 demise? There I was, thinking we were lined up for annihilation by way of black hole, asteroid, global warming, alien race, nuclear war, a dying sun or obesity... Guess not. If I have learnt anything from this world, it is that Hollywood is the only “Guide To” we will ever need. So I am off to watch that Pixar film 'Robots', to learn their weakness. I believe salt water and sea air is a start, then 'Bi-Centennial Man' with Robin Williams. He was a creepy robot and that’s the last thing we need; sexually perverted Robots... 'Star Wars' because I believe those are the droids I’m looking for, 'Terminator' 1,2 & 4, I can’t watch 3... the sexy robot will distract me from my preparation. 'The Matrix', although they were more computer programmes, I’ll just use them to surf dodgy porn sites and some virus should take care of them. 'Transformers', I’m keeping a close eye on Optimums Prime... 'Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey', evil humanoid robot impressionists might be the end of us all, must work on spotting quintessential differences between the real and the robot and of course! '2001: A Space Odyssey', although it’s 2009 now. So I think that weird spaceship robot threat has been and gone. 01000111 01101111 01101111 01100100 01100010 01111001 01100101 <- That’s goodbye in Binary. That’s robot language. Know your enemy. |
