| I’m getting a tail. |
| Written by Vaughan Smith |
| Tuesday, 22 September 2009 13:09 |
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This weekend when I win over $20 Million in Lotto’s Powerball, I am going to get a tail. I just felt at the top of the ass area, at the bottom of the back; the “Tailbone” area. I’m sure one could be just nipped on there, easy-peasy. It’s called a tailbone; YET I SEE NO TAIL! I demand the bone live up to its name. Did you know that, as a foetus we all have a tiny wee tail? Then during development the body absorbs it? True story! RIPPED OFF! I want me tail! The way I imagine it is, that I get the whole tail thing fused to my spine. Kind of like Doc. Oct from Spiderman fame... and it becomes a kind of Monkey-esque tail. It was suggested, perhaps I would prefer a horse-tail. What kind of idiot would choose such an unpractical tail from the tail catalogue? Indulge me if you would, with your attention as I explain why I want a tail... and why specifically, I want it modelled on a Monkey Tail. I could go for a Scorpion-like Tail. I like the idea of threatening people with my scorpion tail. However, it is highly dangerous and being kind of clumsy, it wouldn’t be long before I stabbed myself and met my end. Also, it’s not at all cute and can’t grip stuff. It is basically a killing machine and I don’t want my tail being a killing machine. Another option is a Fish Tail. I really like the idea of this one. It would assist my swimming, which isn’t my strong point; in fact it’s my life weakness. However, the issue of the practicality of walking around with a big floppy tail would soon raise it’s head... and I doubt I could wear pants again. Plus, how often do I swim really? Not often enough to warrant a fish tail, that’s for sure. There’s the visually pleasing option of the Peacock Tail. It’s all for show; granted a very lovely show, it serves no practical purpose and I’m all about practical - people. There’s the semi-awesome Kangaroo Tail. The Kangaroo sure seems to have fun with it. It is MASSIVE though and Google just told me it’s mostly for balance, they can’t smack things with it. Which I thought they might have been able to do. Also, the cartoons lied when they said a Kangaroo could balance on it’s tail and kick you with it’s powerful legs. It is a cute tail though; a fur covering is a great idea. Deers use their tails for socialising. They will flash the white under their tail, to alert other Deer of approaching danger. However, I currently possess the ability to yell out; “DANGER, FUCKING DANGER”... so I won’t need a tail for that purpose. Also, men in camouflage not often hunt me. So I’ll pass on a Deer Tail. Dogs just wag their tail to say they are happy. I can just indicate that with a smile. Dog Tail = Fail. Horse/Cow Tail. Wow. Truly the crappest of tails. Why did evolution not gift the Cow or the Horse with hands to swipe flies from around their bum region? Or make it, so that their poor didn’t attract flies. Instead, it burdened them with a tail/fly-swat. Oooh I’d feel gypped. It’s like saying; “I’d appreciate it if you left now flies”. They aren’t even that pretty. Ripped off. Lizards and some other reptiles, have a detachable tail that re-grows. This is an admirable quality in a tail, but how strong must it be in the first place? If I was hanging on by my tail over a cliff, I would want to know it’s going to hold. Not be ripped out at the base, resulting in massive amounts of pain both at that stage and when I smash into the ground below. Let alone as it grows back. Lizard Tail; Pass. Monkey Tail… WINNER! Monkeys have what is known as a prehensile tail. Prehensile tails can be used to hold and manipulate objects. This even calls for bullet points. Yeah, you heard right... TAIL PROS:
- Eat with it. - Put a sock puppet on it and do a three puppet show. One better, than you. - Hang from it - Hit things with it. - Peel a banana with it and then feed yourself, while reading the large Sunday paper with both hands. - Turn the page of that large paper. - It’s not poisonous. - It’s CUTE! - A small hole in your jeans and you could rock the tail out... and proud. - I could play the drums on Rockband better. Using the tail as an extra hand. - It wouldn’t come loose in your time of need. - Make a quick buck showing people, without the threat of being taken to a secret lab for tests. - Scratch my back with it. - Wash myself with the tail. - Tickle friends with the tail. - Steal things with the tail (things like biscuits and lollies). - Dusting. In fact I might even take up dusting if I get a tail. I could think of a million more and no doubt I will, when I get my robotic/spinal-fused/monkey-esque tail sometime VERY SOON! You’ll all be jealous. Don’t worry! I might let you touch it. Maaaaaybe.
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