| Learning The Bieber Glide: A Winner's Tale |
| Written by Brendon Green |
| Friday, 01 April 2011 00:00 |
 Of the many, many differences between myself and JUSTIN BIEBER, dance ability ranks pretty high. The main distinction is that he can dance, and I cannot. But whatever, I bet I can make way better origami cranes than him. Although I must concede that in terms of coolness, dance ability is slightly more impressive than origami (which falls around about the same level as knitting and boogie boarding). Hands down, Justin Bieber is a better person than me, no arguments there. So I feel like I should try and be more like him, I should learn from his life, I should absorb his being (that sounds wrong). And what better place to start then learning to dance like the little guy. How hard could it be? I searched for a video that could help me out, and found this one of The Biebz himself going through one of his signature moves: THE GLIDE. First things first - that first part, with the hand movements, screw that. That’s expert stuff right there, I’m not even going to attempt that. I struggle using chopsticks to eat with, let alone using every part of both of my arms to create a rhythmic feast for the eyes. The glide however, that looks like it can be done.  Attempt 1: I think I’m starting in the right pose. It feels like I’m stretching before doing a workout. I have deliberately chosen to not do this in front of a mirror, so I assume I look amazing. I’m one hand point away from bringing back Disco Fever, how could I not look good? Justin tells me to push off, so I do. Then I stop. Oh, I have to do some crazy stuff with my trailing foot? Point it where now? No, this is tricky. I would rather just push off and stop. Attempt 2: Pretty much the same as Attempt 1. I’m getting really good at pushing off and stopping, though. So that’s something. Let’s skip ahead. Attempt 9: I just realised that Justin is pushing off with his left foot, but I have been using my right foot the entire time. My mind feels like it’s collapsing. It’s like 'Inception' all over again. What is real?! Should I swap my legs over? Surely it doesn’t really matter that much. The glide must be an ambidextrous and universal dance move, because Justin would never do anything to discriminate right-footers. I’m sticking with my dominant leg. Attempt 10: Now comes the tricky part, I have to twist my foot around in a hyper-stylised way and end up in a position that enables me to do it all again. Good luck with that. I get my right foot pointing nicely, but then it lands bang on my left foot. That’s not correct. I look like I’m busting to use the loo, and that’s not the effect I was hoping for. I must get my right foot all the way over my left. Attempt 11: I get my right all the way over my left! Success! But now I’m stuck. I’ve spent so much time focusing on my right leg, my left leg has forgotten how to move. It’s really hard to use more than one limb at a time. This is why I will never be a drummer, and I have real respect for what they do, it’s just a shame they’re all dumb. (I’m joking, not all drummers are dumb, only like 60% of them). Attempt 12: This time I consciously tell my left leg to move away, just like Justin Bieber does it, so I can go for the epic second Glide movement. That’s when the move starts to look awesome, when the real effect starts to take place. I’m excited. And I totally do it! Well, I do the moving of the left leg part anyway. I’m not quite ready for the second glide movement yet. Attempt 13: My first attempt at putting it all together and going for the full combination. I am concentrating so hard on moving my legs. It feels as difficult as when I was ordering McDonald’s in Paris; there’s only a few things I have to remember, but they are so specific and foreign to me that my forehead wrinkles like crazy when I try and put them into practice, and then I get them wrong and I end up with a McChicken burger. Lame. I get through the first part no probs, but then I start to get into trouble. I get my left leg moving into the correct position, and my right leg is ready to go for the second push and wiggle, but I have neglected the weight positioning of the top half of my body. So I’m unstable and leaning dangerously away from where I should be. Easy fix – when I go for the second push I just have to throw my body back into balance. But I do this a bit too violently and my top half flies right past my trailing right foot, which is still trying to do the stylish wiggle, ungraciously speeding up the entire process. My left foot is planted firmly, and my right foot has no choice but to be dragged full speed into my left ankle. My shoe slams into the tender spot just underneath the ball thing on the inside of my ankle. I may have let out a scream, but I don’t want to tell you that. Attempt 14: I shake it off, and attempt it all again. It goes flawlessly. I am doing perfect Bieber Glides all around the room. Some cute girls see me through the window and they all swoon. They offer to buy me dinner and I accept. Still gliding around my room I answer my iPhone and it’s Usher calling me, he wants to be my mentor. I tell him to be realistic, I should be his mentor. He accepts. My life goes on and I am really cool and successful at everything I do. The End. NOTE: Everything in this article is true. Except for Attempt 14. None of that actually happened. But I was too sore to keep trying The Glide. I promise to practice again, once my ankle has recovered, and I will totally bust it out next time I’m on the dance floor... which, judging by recent history, will be never.  I heart Justin Bieber. The dude has skills. JUSTIN BIEBER: NEVER SAY NEVER' 3D documentary in NZ cinemas April 14th! |
